Nothing threatened my sanity quite like the battle to get my dad to shower. One time, I searched the internet for ideas and read about a son who couldn’t get his mom to shower. Ultimately, he hosed her down in a lawn chair outside! I read that, laughed, and felt so much less alone in the shower struggle.
Sometimes, I felt like a personal and professional (I’m an OT!) failure when I would take my dad to a doctor’s appointment and he would look unclean. I knew it was not supposed to be about me. But, I still felt like it was a reflection of my role as his caregiver daughter and a medical professional.
I also wanted him to be as healthy and happy as possible. Cleanliness is such a reflection of how we are doing. Depression often presents with poor hygiene. I wanted to understand so that I could better help.
I asked my dad directly many times why he didn’t want to shower but the answers I received were vague but firm… “I just don’t want to!” or “I just don’t feel like it.”
So, why didn’t he want to shower? He was never able to communicate it but I think it was likely a combination of factors.
Did it feel unsafe? Many people as they age have problems with balance and coordination. I did some light screening with my dad and knew that he stumbled when standing with his eyes closed. Showering with wet surfaces makes for higher fall risks. Many people feel more vulnerable in general in the shower or bath especially if they are experiencing a loss of independence and need help for these once private activities.
Was it uncomfortable? As we age, many of us get colder. There are changes to our metabolism, body mass, and our circulation systems. Many times, people don’t like showering because of the discomfort of cold air hitting after the warm shower. My dad liked to keep the house really warm and often wore a jacket inside even in the summer.
Was it too tiring? I never really thought of showering as exercise. It wasn’t until OT school that I learned that taking a shower (standing) was the energy equivalent of walking up 3 flights of stairs. My dad always needed to lie down after a shower.
Was he unmotivated? Personally, my shower schedule is dependent on my activities. I shower after a run or bike ride. I shower before going to work. My dad, like many elderly in our community, had few social engagements. He didn’t have a routine where a shower preceded or followed set activities. Even when there was something on the schedule like a doctor appointment or going out to dinner, it wasn’t a daily or even weekly routine.
Was he depressed? Depression was challenging for my dad even when it was managed with medications. When he felt kind of low, he was less likely to engage in any type of activity besides tv watching. But it was the very engagement in activities that had him moving and interacting with others that made him feel better. He always seemed more alive after a shower. It wasn’t just about looking clean, his eyes looked clearer and his mood elevated. That’s a big part of why I never gave up exploring ways to make showering easier, better, safer, and more enjoyable.
Read about what worked for my dad (most of the time) here!