It can be a strange, unsettling experience when your role as ‘child’ transitions to ‘caregiver’ for your parent(s).
Sometimes, it is fast; when there is an accident or severe illness with rapid decline and you are thrust quickly into becoming a caregiver. Other times, it is slow. Gradually, things shift and maybe the house isn’t as clean as it once was. Maybe you notice it takes your parent a few tries to stand up from a low couch. Maybe you notice a stack of unopened mail and wonder if they are paying their bills.
Regardless of the onset, it is hard to see your parent or loved one not be able to do the things they once could. It gets even harder when the way they are living becomes unsafe or even dangerous.
When should you intervene? How should you intervene? What happens when they don’t see what you see? What happens when things no longer seem safe to you but your parent thinks they are doing just fine? I had a lot of these questions and concerns when beginning to provide care for my dad. It was a process and I still don’t believe there is one right way of doing things.
Here are a few things I would ask myself that helped to guide my decision making:
– Is there an immediate threat or safety concern? (Fire, carbon monoxide, fall risk, bodily fluids, medication mismanagement, dangerous driving, etc.) If it was an emergency, then I had to deal with it right then!! If not, (which in my experience was more common) then I could take a breath and if needed some time – walk, write notes, meditate, etc. Then, I could return with a clear head and a plan.
– What are the most pressing issues and what can wait? It’s easy to overwhelm them or yourself by bringing up everything that seems wrong. Make a list and prioritize. Some things like dirty dishes are problematic, but not necessarily unsafe. The more I could strategize, the easier it was to tackle.
-Are there any immediate adjustments that make it safer and are easy to implement? For example, we had a big issue when my dad was falling out of bed. The bigger issue was balance and coordination – which is a lot to address and not something I could remedy in a day. But, breaking it down to ‘how do I keep him safely in bed’ made for quicker solutions. I bought a bed safety frame, installed it, and he stopped falling out of bed. The more you can label what the pressing issue is, the better you can find resources to help.
-Is their a professional that you can involve to bring in unbiased and knowledgeable recommendations? At one point, my dad had a significant decrease in independence and even without a recent hospitalization, he still qualified for both palliative care and a home health consult. This was helpful to get formal assessments from nursing, occupational therapy, and physical therapy. After a hospitalization, he qualified for support from a social worker who provided information on community resources that helped connect us with programs like meals on wheels.
Lastly, I think it is important to remember: You are experiencing a role reversal. It is hard. You will likely need your own supports on this. It is unsettling if your parent has cared for you your whole life and now you are stepping into a caregiving role for them. Go gently.