Living Inside of Grief (Part I)

Each death is unique. Every journey through grief is unique to each individual. As I mentioned, I was physically demolished by my parents’ deaths. Though the overall loss and experience differed, there were many coping strategies that I found and still find particularly crucial. They helped me stay in my grief and avoid short cuts or false aids. I learned that I had everything inside of me and all around me that could get me through. I just had to do it. I had to show up for myself and prioritize my well-being in a way I never had to before.

Others in Grief – This was absolutely life changing to figure out. Someone would offer a story or memory of their own loss/grief and I would either feel so soothed or so aggravated. It was like the warmest, most compassionate hug or the worst slap to the sunburned shoulders.

I experienced this after my mom’s death but I didn’t figure out the defining characteristic till 5 years later after my dad’s death.

It came down to whether someone was trying to make me feel better or willing to be sad with me.

So many uplifting stories or platitudes often made me feel worse. I felt bad for feeling bad. When someone really showed up for me, it was amazingly comforting. Sometimes that looked like my husband just sitting next to me with a hand on my back not saying anything. A friend came by one day and just put her hand on my heart and said “I know it hurts.” She didn’t try to fix it. She just acknowledged it.

The hard part was, I didn’t know which type of  interaction it would be until too late. I also didn’t know how to communicate clearly what I needed.

I found most helpful, the things I could control…consuming research on grief and the sharing of others personal experiences through podcasts, books, and blogs. My favorite book that I read/reread and listened to via audiobook: Anxiety – the missing stage of grief by Claire Bidwell Smith.  I could just hit pause or close the book anytime I needed a break.

So many friends and people in my life are wonderful and well-meaning. I never wanted to hurt a friend that was trying to help. I also needed to protect myself as I was too raw to withstand the wrong kind of help. I had a hard time thinking, communicating, and knowing what I needed. I loved reading and then zoning out or stopping whenever that felt best. It was a lot easier than trying to extract myself from a conversation that took a wrong turn.

Outdoor time – GO OUTSIDE. Super simple. I am lucky and can look at the mountains or easily sit by a river, but honestly, just being outside is all that matters. I think there is a part in all of us that needs to feel nature, to hear the sounds of life. I always need nature, but along the grief journey it helped remind me that life and death are natural. It doesn’t take away the grief, but I could sit much easier in it when I was outside.

Writing – I wrote absolutely nothing after my mom died. Everything was stuck. It took years to fully get in the grieving process for my mom. As soon as I did, the writing was everything. I wrote fast and messy or slow and soothing. I wrote letters to her, poems about her life and death, about the pain, the loss, and our relationship. After my dad died, I started writing immediately, but it too was somewhat stuck. I started with a grief journal that had prompts and helped me get unstuck. I think this made a huge impact on being able to process sooner and not get lost in false coping aids.

These are just a few of the many strategies that helped me. Any of these resonating? If so, check out more here.

Regardless, remember this is a process. Do what feels best for you in the moment and make healthy choices.  Avoid false comforts!