Living Inside of Grief (Part II)

As I mentioned, I was emotionally and physically pushed by my parents’ deaths. More than just coping strategies, I found ways that helped me actually heal. Even though I believe the grieving process never fully ends, I am in a much different state with it now.  I prioritized my well-being and still do. I continue to recognize when I need some of these same strategies to navigate and function in this land of loss.

Talking with a Professional (that’s a good fit for you) – When my mom died, I was in grad school and I went to the counseling center. Fortunately, I could easily access it with my school insurance plan. I only went to one session. I told the therapist what happened and what I was going through. She said I sounded fine and could just manage on my own. It was not a good fit. I did not return. I regret not going back and trying another therapist. I think that would have helped immensely.

After my dad died, I started therapy about 2 week later through a hospice facility. I really just needed someone unbiased to talk to. Actually, it would be more accurate to say, I really just needed someone unbiased to listen. I had so much swirling inside me… grief from my dad’s passing, a resurgence of grief from my mom’s death, and such utter and total overwhelm. I didn’t know what I wanted to say, but I had such a need to speak. Words would just tumble out.

Nothing profound changed in the moment. It didn’t take away my grief and likely didn’t resolve it quicker. Therapy simply let my grief be. It gave me a safe haven to experience all I was experiencing…which was the best thing I could do for myself.

Therapy is often expensive, and unfortunately, many great therapists don’t take insurance. Many insurance plans don’t cover it or cover it fully. Know your resources – there are a lot of low cost or free services. Look up ‘grief centers’ in your area. If your loved one was in hospice when they died, you may be eligible for free counseling (for a year!) through hospice. There may be support groups that are guided by a professional. Also, some companies have extra benefits for the ‘bereaved’. Make sure you are getting everything you can!

Gentle exercise – As I mentioned, I have been an athlete most of my life. In the grieving space, I lost (temporarily) my sense of athleticism. I needed to go slow and let go of any expectations or fitness goals. Gentle exercise such as walking, stretching, light yoga, or a casual bike ride felt best…and whenever possible I went outside. Sometimes, my instinct was to just lie on the couch or in bed. Getting extra sleep was important, but it could quickly become an escape and a hindrance. Even when I was tired, I felt more energized after a light walk outside. Go gently, but move your body.

Accepting help – There’s just something different when a friend or family member cooks for you. It might not taste better, but it feels better. If you’re like me, you might have been the caregiver for a long time and maybe have a hard time accepting help. Maybe you think you don’t need it. Just because you can cook for yourself, clean, run those errands… if someone is offering help, take it. Accepting help is about more than just the help, it is also about recognizing and accepting the love that person is giving you. There’s this tangible reminder that you are not alone. It is a gift for you and for the giver.

Recognizing and acknowledging time – There’s no quick fix. Sorry. I tried. Many people I know have tried. You can read all the books. You can see therapists. You can go outside, gently exercise, meditate, pray, eat healthy, write…but you can’t move this along faster than the course it is on.

The more you can let yourself feel all the strange, sad, heavy, uncomfortable, achy emotions…the more you will move through it. It will take time. An indeterminable amount of time. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle. Feel it all and keep doing the next right thing for you.

And remember…”the only cure for grief is to grieve.” – Earl Grollman